The {Guest} Post About The Unlikely Reciprocation of Irrational Crushes, Or How to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Today's guest rabbit chaser is Jessica from Meet the Buttrams. I prefer to think of her as JButtWhatWhat, as she is lovingly known on Twitter.  I've not met Jessica in real life, but I'm fairly certain I could not adore her more. We share a love for Krispy Kreme, a distaste for Les Miles and a not-so-secret crush on Schmidt from Fox's New Girl.

She is short and hilarious. You've been warned.

I define the word "crush" very loosely. 

I used to define it, "the super hot boy in third period my coke tab predicted I would marry," but now it's merely someone I admire and/or can laugh at (with) and/or long to store in my pocket for when I need a pick-me-up. (Smidget sister Jamie fits that criteria, PS. Traveling Rabbits!)

 

Additionally, I have always made it a practice to assume that my crushes were in fact secretly and desperately in love with me too, something that sort of continues today. And listen, it really helps with the self-confidence. 

 

Here's how that worked out for me:

 

1. The Dad - My first irrational crush was on my friend's dad when we were in the second grade. Her mom was also our girl scout troop leader. Later that year, they got a divorce. Coincidence? I'm still not entirely convinced it wasn't because her dad thought I was especially adorable in my Brownie uniform. In my mind's eye, he resembled a mustached Pedro in Hammer pants. Hardly Brad Pitt. 

Verdict: Single dad of two. Was I really prepared to be a seven-year-old stepmom?

 

2. The Coach - I've played soccer my whole life. When I finally got good enough to play on an elite traveling team, I JUST KNEW my coach had me sit the bench because he preferred my wit-filled sideline screaming to all the other girls on the team. Until he berated some of my teammates for being lazy by saying, "I don't expect Jessica to score any goals, but she works her butt off out there!" At the very least, he needed to work on his pick-up lines. Broken-heart revenge was mine when he later got arrested for assault. 

Verdict: Anger-Management Candidate.

 

3. The Teacher - When my crush definition started taking on more lax perimeters, I nurtured an artist's crush on the totally sketchy fella who taught photography courses at my college. Over the two semesters I took his class, we spent more than a few hours alone in the darkroom, as well as one weird day at his house when I used his personal darkroom to develop color film. I figured Artsy College Coed was practically irresistible to a fiftyish single man who spoke fondly of his biker days...until a few years ago when he got busted for owning child pornography.

Verdict: Pedophile!

 

So, as you can see, not only do I have questionable taste, but I also assumed the highly unlikely outcome of requited love was IN THE CARDS, YO. And assuming these characters were actually in love with me was, in some instances illegal, but MORE IMPORTANTLY a total confidence booster. 

That they actually weren't is probably the more beneficial outcome.

 

'Fess up with your irrational crushes, and make me feel more normal. Cool? Cool.