The Post About Being Dainty

Last night I was walking from my kitchen to the living room. I looked down to see a companion on the journey - a HUGE green lizard. And by "HUGE," I mean about 4 inches long. However, size in the situation absolutely did not matter. He was in enemy territory and must be banished.

After my initial reaction (gnashing of teeth and girlie screaming), I tried to think of my options. I knew the best bet was to pick it up and throw it outside. But then I remembered that I don't touch living things without an evolved brain stem, so that was out. I grabbed my weapons of choice - broom and hairspray. But then I remembered that I don't get within 6 feet of living things without an evolved brain stem, so those were also out. I kept the broom, but traded the hairspray for "outdoor" bug spray which shoots 10 feet. I was set.

A simultaneous shot of toxins and a high pitched series of screams didn't even phase it. I needed a new weapon. So I called Christy Mixon, my friend who I call in all emergencies. Yes, this was an emergency.

After sufficient mocking, she came. She captured. She threw that lizard's sorry self out the front door. Sweet relief! I then joined her in the living room (I had been keeping a two-room safe distance) where she pointed it out on the porch - grinning at us and clearly plotting its return inside. Umm...no.

No offense to PETA, but it had to die for its actions. And it did. I even helped, by holding the flashlight at a safe distance so Christy could carry out the execution.

As I shared this story with my father and one of my closest friends last night - they both called me "pathetic."

I prefer dainty.


  1. Lizards are creepy. Especially when they're breathing.

  2. Awww.. poor lizard.. all he wanted was to eat some bugs inside Casa de Jamie.. never again will he know the sweet satisfaction of... life. :'(


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