Last night I was walking from my kitchen to the living room. I looked down to see a companion on the journey - a HUGE green lizard. And by "HUGE," I mean about 4 inches long. However, size in the situation absolutely did not matter. He was in enemy territory and must be banished.
After my initial reaction (gnashing of teeth and girlie screaming), I tried to think of my options. I knew the best bet was to pick it up and throw it outside. But then I remembered that I don't touch living things without an evolved brain stem, so that was out. I grabbed my weapons of choice - broom and hairspray. But then I remembered that I don't get within 6 feet of living things without an evolved brain stem, so those were also out. I kept the broom, but traded the hairspray for "outdoor" bug spray which shoots 10 feet. I was set.
A simultaneous shot of toxins and a high pitched series of screams didn't even phase it. I needed a new weapon. So I called Christy Mixon, my friend who I call in all emergencies. Yes, this was an emergency.
After sufficient mocking, she came. She captured. She threw that lizard's sorry self out the front door. Sweet relief! I then joined her in the living room (I had been keeping a two-room safe distance) where she pointed it out on the porch - grinning at us and clearly plotting its return inside. Umm...no.
No offense to PETA, but it had to die for its actions. And it did. I even helped, by holding the flashlight at a safe distance so Christy could carry out the execution.
As I shared this story with my father and one of my closest friends last night - they both called me "pathetic."
I prefer dainty.