The Post About Telling Babies Where They Can Go

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Despite popular opinion, I'm not anti-baby.

I'm actually a pretty big fan.

And I only want good things for them.
Things like health and wealth and wisdom.

And clean diapers.

But I do think babies need some boundaries. Places that should be off limits.

1. Airplanes. Their inability to chew gum or hold their nose while blowing should be enough to get them stuck at security. However, I know "no infants allowed" is not realistic. So how about a section just for families? In the back. Behind a curtain.

Funerals. I'm already sad.

3. Restaurants. Dining establishments with playgrounds and paper tablecloths with crayons included are designed for little tots. That's why I don't go to there.

4. Movie Theaters.

5. Weddings. Let's not ruin an already awkward unity candle or PowerPoint photo collage with a screaming nugget.

Please feel free to judge me or high five me in the comments.

{image: Jamie}


  1. As someone (on a very high horse)about to pop out a babe, you get two thumbs up. Is it weird that I get annoyed by noise-making children in stores meant for babies? I was shooting daggers at infants in the Carter's outlet for their decibel levels. Maybe should be re-thinking this whole "motherhood" thing.

  2. If the kids are well behaved and I don't notice them, then I don't mind them being at restaurants or weddings. When they start getting rowdy or crying loudly, and generally ruining any conversation or pleasant dining, or a perfectly good wedding, I wonder if the parents realize they could/should leave...

    But I'm with you, there are places where folks shouldn't bring small children...funerals and movie theaters are certainly two of those places.

  3. As a father of two rowdy, unruly, loud, stubborn, loud, little boys I have an opinion on the subject.
    1. I pay taxes.
    2. I vote.
    3. I am going to take my children where ever it is safe and lawful to take them.

    If we don't go out to eat with the children then we have to stay home with them. Then I might have to show up in a public place where people who don't have children of their own and start shooting the place up, starting first with single people, then moving on to couples with out children.

    And if I have to be segregated to the back of the airplane because of my status as a bad parent with loud children then I am going to start screaming about my civil rights being violated. Then I am going to want and smoke a cigarette in that plane.

    And you should be nice to those kids because they are going to be the ones paying for your healthcare one day.

  4. S: I got annoyed at Disney World and then remembered I was on their planet. A little late for rethinking motherhood since you're probably already dilated.

    TBR: You are right on about the well-behaved! I do know parents can't always control that either or they would :-)

    J: Someone's a very bitter papa.

  5. I felt just the same way before I had a baby. Now that I have one I understand why people take their kids everywhere. Sometimes after being in a house ALL day EVERY day you just need to get out. If my son annoys someone, well they are just going to have to deal. I function on about 4-6 hours of sleep per night. I have never been so tired or exhausted in my life. Sometimes I need to go shopping to blow off some steam. It's really hard to have empathy for something you don't understand but as a Christian person perhaps you might try a bit harder. This post made me sad :( It's been fun following your blog. Good luck in future endeavors.

  6. SSS: That is the nicest way I've ever been dumped :-) I absolutely agree I lack the empathy that comes with having birthed or adopted a child. Mine is definitely a single woman's perspective!

  7. I have a daughter, as you know, and I partially agree. If mine does not behave, we leave and that does not happen often now. There are some days, like one I will always remember at Walmart, that she would get embarrassed now if I brought it up. She knows better and there are consequences if she doesn't. They have to be taught somehow and taking them to these locations are good learning experiences on how to act in public. It is the parents responsibility to make sure they behave. If the kids do not, they should handle it or leave. What I can not stand is when the parents act like it doesn't matter that their kid is behaving badly and ignores it.

  8. I used to think like you Jamie! Then I got married and then we "had" kids!! A child changes everything!

  9. PS..I was single till I was 40...I was REALLY grouchy by then!hehe

  10. TS: I'll take a partial agree :-) However, I really don't blame parents for an 18 month old being selfish. We come out that way, right?

    OF: Thank you for remembering :-) I'm uber grumpy at 34, so only unfortunate things ahead!

  11. Jamie,
    I totally agree 100% with SocialStudiesSoubrette. You are a witty and humorous woman, most of the time. But this post was a little unkind. As the mother of 2 children under 5, there are just days when you DO have to leave the house to get a change of scenery and possibly attitude for both you and the children. I also leave cookie crumble trails on those particularly awesome days, but what else can we do? It's all about survival and when they're very young screaming babies don't understand why they shouldn't so distraction is the only thing you can use.

  12. I know Jamie very well and I think some of you are being too hard on her. I think there are a whole lot of people out there who, for example, don't like kids peeking over the back of a booth at a restaurant and playing peek-a-boo with them. I don't, and I have two boys (3 and 6 years) who really like to do that to people. I make them stop. Taking my kids to a restaurant like Jamie likes to go to is very stressful for me, because I don't want my kids to bug other people. And weddings and funerals are particularly stressful for me to take them to, so I usually find a sitter and leave them home. They don't want to be there anyway. Jamie never said kids shouldn't be at the mall or the grocery store or park or church or restaurants with kids menus. I think Jamie was in more of a "wishful thinking" state of mind anyway when she wrote this...and it IS only wishful thinking.

  13. M: Just like SSS, I really do appreciate you being kind in your rebuke :-) I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that I didn't discourage moms and dads from leaving the house. I mentioned very specific places and occasions that may not always be super infant friendly. Again, no condemnation.

    kk: Spanx.

  14. Jamie, as always, you make me laugh. Now that I am a mom, when I hear crying or misbehaving children out and about, the first thing I think is "Thank God that isn't me right now." Being a mom apparently brings me closer to God, since I thank him for things like that. Maybe I can consider watching Super Nanny a religious experience?

  15. You forgot church. No crying babies in church. They're going to heaven anyway, so what's the point?

    A person keeping his or her children away from people is biblical. Moses' mom liked him just fine, but she still hid him from public and then stuck him in a river bank.

    He turned out just fine. (Minus that little I-blame-my-mother-for-me-turning-out-this-way moment with an Egyptian dude.)

  16. Ooooh controversy. I love it.

    I completely agree with you on every point.

    I am pro-baby. I love children especially the ones of the tiny variety. But, I also believe that there are certain places babies shouldn't be.

    We went to Jon's sister's wedding this past weekend and there was a family with an infant behind us. About halfway through the ceremony she started crying (loudly, as only infants know how) and it took everything I had not to turn around and say something. That's just rude. But I mean I guess I can see the other side too - I'm sure the video footage of their I do's wasn't too horribly . . . ruined withnopossiblewaytorecoverthatonceinalifetimemoment).

    I love this post and will remain a happy and amused follower of yours =)

  17. J: Tivo Super Nanny in case you're sick on Sunday. Fine substitute.

    C: I enjoy that your comment is more incendiary than all my posts combined.

    S: Also, stirring the pot.

    Disclaimer: C & S are both single. Hence their bitterness.

  18. Well I have a six year old daughter so my take on things are...

    Airplanes-Never been on with a kid so dunno

    Funerals-I think it's strange to take kids anyway I know death is a part of life but does a kid really need to see unless they have to?

    Restaurants-Fancy place than no way, save it for date night and get a sitter. A place like say Red Lobster than yeah go ahead but if the kid is acting up I think it would be best to either get your food to go or take 'em outside till they calm down. Oh and please don't let them run around or stare at me when I'm eating, that's rude.

    Movie Theaters-I think it depends on the kid. I'm against taking little ones if it's not a movie geared towards them anyway. Oh and to the other moms that take the kiddos to the movie, you know it's a kids movie it may bore you but please leave your book and book light at home 'cause it's beyond annoying and distracting when you sit a few seat down from me!

    Weddings-Take 'em if ya want but please sit in the back and be prepared to leave (fast) if they start up.

    Also not to do with kids being where they shouldn't be but if you go to a park with a playground and don't have kids (or even if you do) please do sit around cussing on your cell phone it makes me want to slap ya upside the head and that would be rude of me.

  19. Jamie offends me all the time. The secret to loving her anyway is remembering she is a dork of the highest order. Like if there was a Church of Dorkology she would be in the highest levels and know all of the secrets.

    Chill out.

  20. I agree totally with your message... I have been to one too many weddings with screaming babies that have completely ruined the ceremony.

    If parents want their children at these types of places, then they need to take the responsibility of teaching them how to behave correctly. Behave or leave.

    Growing up, I was never allowed to run around and act crazy at restaurants. Now, everytime that I go, there is some kid running around. One kid was running around with no shoes, a diaper (that almost fell off), and starting sitting at other people's tables. There is no reason for that at all!

    Yes, I am child-less, and I do love babies and children, though. Some people just need to learn to respect other people by making sure that their children are acting correctly. Would you stay at a restaurant while your husband is yelling, screaming, and cursing you out? No! Then why keep a screaming baby in there?

  21. I wholeheartedly agree. I did a post similar to this one, and it ruffled a few feathers. Maybe if I hadn't referred to them as hoodlums throughout the entire thing...


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