The Post About Me and Your Newlywed Needs

I've served as a bridesmaid 9 times. And I've attended at least 55 weddings.

You want me at your nuptials.

Not because of my planning skills. Or storytelling skills. Or magic on the dance floor.

It's because of this story:

I once trekked to Michigan for the wedding of my best friend's brother. All of my friends were either groomsmen or a bridesmaid. Except me. God had a plan.

Immediately after the ceremony, the groomsmen rallied around the new husband and discovered he'd forgotten an important "tool" for the wedding night of two first-timers. Someone would need to run to the drugstore, but the photographer was waiting.

All eyes fell to me.

Although I'd never purchased or even needed this particular "tool," I decided now was the time to prove my worth. Moments later, I found myself wandering around a Rite-Aid in a little black dress and 4 inch heels looking for something related to Kentucky.

A guy approached me with his vest and his nametag and his adorable face and asked "Can I help you find something?" My palms were sweating at the prospect of answering that simple question. But I took a deep breath, summoned the courage and answered "Yes. Where's the toothpaste?"

He guided me to aisle 4 and smiled at his own helpfulness. It was a beautiful smile.

But I didn't need a tube of toothpaste.

After three overwhelming minutes, I stood wavering in front of a wall of "tools." I quickly grabbed the appropriate one and headed to the front. I exhaled in a Whitney Houston way when I saw the kind and motherly cashier checking customers out.

The final hurdle was upon me.

Sensing this single purchase would draw too much attention, I added a pack of Tic Tacs to my planned purchase.

Completely logical.

I was now the next to be helped and the finish line was in sight.

And then it happened.

Kind-and-motherly was replaced with adorable-face.

I placed my tube and my Tic Tacs on the counter and waited for the laughter and the pointing and the scarlet "J."

But adorable-face only asked "You know this isn't toothpaste, right?"


  1. Love it! Sorry you were embarrased but thanks for sharing.

  2. I will buy it for you one day, but LOUD and PROUD.

  3. You know that stuff is essentially the same stuff electricians use when they need to lubricate cables to put through holes under the foundation...oh never mind.

  4. S: I think so now...not then.

    M: You're welcome!

    C: I would expect nothing less.

    J: Thank you for backing away from that train.

  5. Wow. Wow wow wow. What a great friend you are!

    Some of my good (single) friends gave us a "Bucket O' Fun" at my lingerie shower for our honeymoon. Lucky for us they apparently had heard of the need for said Tool (and we had no idea), as their provision of it in B.O.L. was quite appreciated.

    The Bucket O' Love can of whipped cream that I didn't realize needed to be refrigerated - not quite as appreciated.

    I mean - what was I supposed to do - go home from my lingerie shower and try to explain to my parents why I was putting a can of whipped cream in the fridge for a couple of days?!?!

    Although that might have been less disgusting than finding out the not-so-savory way that whipped cream un-refrigerated ain't so dandy.


  6. This story is HILARIOUS. I'm in tears I'm laughing so hard. If you lived closer, I'd come over to your house and hug you for making my night!

  7. R: Never too much information. Too funny.

    TAF: You are always welcome at my house in the middle of the night for a hug.

  8. Great story! The things we do for friends! I never knew "shopping for toothpaste" could be a euphemism!

  9. haha you never cease to make me laugh.
    - Christa McAwesome

  10. KB: Now, if I ever write that phrase, you'll know what I'm talking about...

    CMcA: I aim to entertain.

  11. What a great story. But I was just waiting for Mr. Cute and Adorable to ask you out.

  12. Not sure If I've ever thanked you for the tube of Toothpaste. Thanks for the tube of Toothpaste. Enough and awkwardly said.


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