The Post About What's Lurking Under the Seat

Patrick Creeper copy
I used to be one of those folks who had all kinds of drama inside my car. Empty food containers, mildewing soda cups, crumbs, unpaid parking tickets.

But then Antegeddon 2005 happened. I was driving down the road and suddenly the ants who'd taken up residence under the passenger seat had run out of crumbs. So they moved on to flesh.

They had to go.

But if you don't already know, ants are quite the squatters. Heck no, they won't go.

But they did. After a toxic combination of starvation, Aussie Instant Freeze and screeching - they moved out.

And I became a committed clean car person. No lost mascara, no uneaten waffle fries, and no missing change.

And If I happen to be tempted to have ants as carguests, then I simply replay this recent text conversation with my friend Patrick in my head. He is an INFAMOUS dirty car owner who once had an unidentified smell eventually sourced to a 2-week old cucumber.

Patrick: Guess what the carwash people found under my seat today?

Me: What?

Patrick: Two jars of mayo.

Me: You are crazy.

Patrick: I have a legitimate problem.

Umm...I would think so.

No. I missed jury duty. Probably going to get arrested.

Okay. Yes. You actually have an even real-er problem than a dirty car.


So are you a dirty car owner? What might we find if we peeped?

{image: "Patrick in the Creeper Van" by Allison Peatross}


  1. I was absolutely horrified by what I found under Jack's carseat when I pulled it out to lengthen the straps. You don't even want to know!

  2. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I have two kids, which makes keeping the minivan clean very hard, but I do my best. I have friends that leave all sorts of food in their cars. One friend left it in soooo long that there were maggots in his car. YUCK!!!!

  3. M: Kids can produce some of the most unique trash :-)

    SL: Ugh - maggots is a whole other level of gross.

  4. I'm a clean car person. If we go out to lunch at work, I often drive because my car is both clean and a four-door. (I work with several two-door.) But my sweet husband is a totally different story. Shortly after we started dating, Lee and I drove to my parents for the weekend with my dog and of course the dog's food. We took Lee's car. On the way back home, Zoey's food container spilled, leaving kibble all over the trunk of Lee's car. Oodles and oodles of kibble. Since we were still new, Lee didn't want to burden me with this so he said he would clean it later. Later was over a year later. After it froze, melted, and congealed to a nasty blob.

  5. "Hi, My name is Jamey and I'm a not clean car person." The room filled with greetings and sheepish smiles. Feeling very shy now, "I ... I hate to say it, but I have junk mail in my car from the last Census; well not really but almost." Air thick with gasps I continued to empty my pent up guilt. "I'm not really that bad with food, the frequent stops for liquid gold gas yields me the handy gas pump trash can. I don't know how to make it stop," dropping my head into my hands with muffled sobs. "I just want it to stop. How can I keep it clean?"

  6. K: Ugh. That's overcoming adversity in marriage.

    BJP: Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

  7. I dont feel so bad. The worst thing in my car would be the mountains of Cheerio's that could feed several third world countries.
    They are vaccuumed out quarterly.

  8. K: There should be a mailing address to ship those to. Many a Mom could contribute.


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