The Post About Guidelines for my Death


I like it.

I like lists and post-its and calendars and words with lines through them.

I'm a planner when it comes to work and traveling and which drive-thru line to choose at the bank.

I'm also a planner when it comes to my impending death.

I have no reason to believe it's happening today or tomorrow, but who knows?

So. I have some ideas about what should and should not happen when I die. Here's a sample list:

1. Swag bags.
Those in attendance at my memorial should receive a gift bag including my favorite things. Cheez-its, a mixed tape, and Super Bubble gum.

2. My Facebook account should be deleted.
No moratorium on the wall. More importantly, no posting new photos of me that I can no longer untag.

3. No tombstone. I don't want to risk the placement of fake flowers or a teddy bear wearing a tutu placed near my decaying muffin top.

4. Funeral music. No songs referencing heaven as a lighthouse. No songs which consider a train or ship as the best way to get there.

5. No body. I'm all about some ashes to ashes. Plus, you can divide me up into snack bags and include in #1.

There's more where these came from.

What about you? Any last

{image: Jamie}


  1. Well, that was so funny I had to read it to my husband. My 6 year old daughter wanted to know why there was no #6...you might need to do a part 2.

  2. I had to read it to my husband too! #5 had me in stitches. Thanks for that, Jamie!

  3. Jamie - you are freaking hilarious!

  4. I am soooo going to your funeral now.

    I think I want a champagne toast at my funeral. And can we find an appropriate time for ABBA? Maybe graveside. Although sometimes I think cremation might be nice. Maybe I can get one of those spots in the graveyard to store the ashes (After Meet the Parents I don't really want them in anyone's home.) and we can play ABBA there.

  5. G: Trust me - there could 18 parts :-)

    J: De nada.

    C: You are freaking complimentary.

    K: I would make sure all my cyber friends were invited. Every moment of every day is an appropriate time for ABBA.

  6. I will be departing in the ash form as well. I do not want everyone standing over me saying "she doesn't look like herself" or "she looks so bloated"...of course I don't look like me, I'm dead. And I'm bloated because they would have used too much embalming fluid!

    Everyone will receive a small portion of my ashes in a memorial teapot from my collection! When the teapots run out, then people will be able to take a teacup...with a candle, to light in my memory. :-)

  7. Jamie you crack me up! :)

    1. Brilliant! I'd prefer a New Orleans-style funeral, but if it MUST be a traditional Southern wake, fun it up with swag and food! :)

    2-4. Totally agree with you there.

    5. I'm an organ donor, so chop me up, use what you can, THEN burn the rest. :)

  8. You might need to continue....lol

    You have a great blog!

  9. BR: Love the teapot idea. I hope no one mixes it up as leaves for chamomile.

    N: Yay for organ donors!

    TBR: Part 2 is in the works :-)

  10. Okay, I just stumbled across your blog - and this post? Freakin' hysterical. Pretty much made my day. Love your blog!

  11. Okay - so I left my comment on the wrong post. I'll leave it again -- I want your funeral. ha

  12. S: Thank you Sue!!

    C: My funeral is up for being shared :-)

  13. You are too funny! I love the swag bag idea :) Death isnt so scary when you know where you're going - so you can look at it in a positive or even silly light, I agree. Very cute post!

  14. RSD: Knowing the destination definitely changes your perspective! Now I expect you to plan your own swag bag...


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